Living Alone

Having been married since I was 19 years old (not to the same woman), I now live alone. 

There are many things that I have been learning about myself. I am a bit of a clean freak. I say a bit because I only dust, do laundry, and mop and vacuum the floor once weekly. This is not radical, but it is completely different from when I lived with someone.

I have also become a minimalist, except with my books. I have only two sets of silverware, two bowls, two cups, and two plates. That is in case my son stops by or I have a friend over. 

The thing I most appreciate is, in the words of Richard Byrd, being "able to live exactly as I chose." I can go for a walk, read a book, sleep in, or watch TV whenever I want. It was the freedom I needed. 

I am a whole-food vegan who does not add salt, oil, or sugar to the meals I cook. Getting other people to follow this diet is, to say the least, difficult. I don't have to worry about that living alone. I cook for myself.

I also have come to better know myself. I am a vegan Buddhist. That is my central identity. I am a solitary, but I am not quite a hermit. I still need some social interaction. Luckily I have friends and family for that.

I now better understand myself as far as gender identity. I have a strong feminine aspect to my personality. This led me to identify as non-binary. But I have come to reconsider this. I am comfortable being a male, fulfilling the male role. And I am attracted to women. So I am a single white heterosexual male in touch with his feminine side.

Do I get lonely? Yes, I do. I miss sharing my day with someone. Sleeping next to someone. Holding someone in my arms. This is the downside to living alone. But I feel it is good for me to be alone. To work on myself. To discover the keys to spiritual awakening.

Anagārika Jay

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